Ashton Kutcher Wrote About World’s Most Idiotic Article

In the new issue of the Harper’s Bazaar, Ashton Kutcher writes a column of council for couples fighting with the way of getting dressed. If your cranium did not burst simply because you read the expression “Ashton Kutcher written,” to check its pearls of wisdom as brought back by People:

On a man’s place in relation to a woman
“Your man should not upstage you. He’s there to highlight you.”

On complementing your man
“Guys don't like to be told they look nice, pretty, or cute or that they clean up well. We want to feel dirty, rugged, and, most important, that you feel safe when you are in our company. So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony Montana”

On men’s importance in relation to clothes
“When it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.”

Look, I’m not a doctor. I do, however, practice non-licensed, amateur gynecology behind a Chinese buffet next to the freeway. It’s something of a hobby. Anyway, after reading his article, my experience qualifies me to make the following statement: Ashton Kutcher has a vagina. A giant, man-hating vagina that threatens our very existence. When it’s not too busy picking out handbags.